Jokes Submitted By Redneck Friends
Pa asks Billy Bob why he come home so early from his honeymoon-- Billy Bob said Pa, she was a virgin! If she isnt good enough for her family she isnt good enough for Ours!"
************************************************** One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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My son asked me the other day, "Daddy, why were you and Mommy
wrestling in bed last night?"
I said, "Because Mommy likes to wrestle with Daddy. She thinks
she's good at it, but she always ends up getting pinned."
" I want to wrestle with Mommy too!" he announced.
"I'm sorry, son," I said. "You're not old enough and we're not in
Arkansas
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During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's
Grandfather slipped her a $500 bill which she concealed in her
glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money". By tradition,
the couple spent their first night together in the historic house.
Later the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs.
"Where are you goin?". "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa,
and it's important that I have them." "Oh you youngsters!!" the
Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab
it with your bare hands like I did your Grandfather's!!
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In a small town in the Midwest, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think
women are weak, dumb, cantankerous. ..or what?!"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to *obeying* orders, are accustomed to
being *shoved* around, know how to keep their mouths *shut*
and don't pout when I *yell* at them!!"
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down..
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!
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The boss was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
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If Men Were in Charge of Weddings
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger"
until the cops showed up.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
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.. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A .. Knock on the door.
Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A .. A blonde parade.
Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
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You might be a redneck firefighter if…
You have ever been dispatched to a working “cow” fire
* You ever put out a cow chip fire
* Your PASS alarm goes “Yeee Haw”
* You dispatch center ever said “Y’all can’t miss it”
* You used your rescue air bags as furniture at the fire station
* You refill your air bottles at the local gas station “Free Air” hose
* Your department has a Rescue Bubba and a Rescue Cow for training
* You only wash down the floor in the station to “keep the dust down”
* Your radio call signal is “Wheee doggies”
* You have to mark the department out of service two weeks during deer season and every Sunday during the Winston Cup Race
* You bought a computer so you could get NASCAR Online on the Internet
* You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours
* Your last four fire department raffles were for a shotgun…and a member won it each time.
* You borrowed the department’s quick dump tank so you could have a neighborhood pool party
* Your safety officer is the person who broke his arm at the last house fire
* Your rehab consists of a cold beer and a pack of “nabs”
* Your last serious fire was your fire department BBQ
* You used your “good” fire house as a bumper on your boat dock
* You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck….and got two bucks on your last call
* Your Hurst tool is on loan to the local body shop
* You use a hanging noose knot for all your rescue operations because it’s real adjustable
* You don’t allow a person to join the department unless they own a pickup
* You wore a hole in your fire boots….while wearing them at your full time job
* You keep 2 packs of “Red Man” in your turnout gear for “emergencies”
* Your departments brush truck doubles as your hunting truck
* You voted against the last person for chief because he was a Jeff Gordon fan
* You painted your new rescue truck to look like Earnhardt’s race car
* You borrowed the fire truck to use the spotlights for deer hunting
* The directions to your last house fire was “Go down past the last house you burnt up”….and you know exactly which house they are talking about
* You ever went diving in a swimming pool with your SCBA equipment…..just to see how it would work
* You must take the battery out of your tractor to put in the fire truck before you go on calls
* Your preacher borrows your PASS alarms each Sunday for church to keep the congregation awake
* You consider “2 in and 2 out” to be two guys in the cab and two on the tailboard of the truck
* The last girl you kissed was named Rescue-Annie and you enjoyed it so much you are thinking seriously about asking her out
* Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while going to a scene
* Your firehouse has wheels
* You’ve ever got back and found you’ve locked yourself out of the firehouse
* Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire get’n drunk
* You’ve ever been toned out on an out house fire also if that out house fire was with entrapment
* You’ve ever let a person’s house burn down because they wouldn’t let you hunt their ground
* Your personal vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it
* You’ve ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck
* Your rescue truck can smoke the tires
* Your department’s name is misspelled on your equipment
* The nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment
* Dispatch can’t mention your name without laughing
* The local news crew won’t put your department on T.V. because you embarrassed them last time.
* You’ve ever locked the keys in your trucks
* You’ve ever referred to a light bar as sexy
* Your defibrillator consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder
* You’ve ever taken a girl out in a pumper
* Your pumper has been on fire more times than it’s been to a fire
* Your pumper smokes more than the house fire
* You’ve ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire
* You’ve ever called it quits on a house fire when the beer got hot
* You’ve ever been late to a house fire because you had to stop and get the guy who fell off the truck
* You’ve ever stopped in route to pick up a road kill
* You hand out spit cans before each meeting
* You have a sign out front of your station that says will fight fires for beer
* Your equipment has chew stains down the sides of ‘em
* Everyone on your department is related in some way or another
* Your annual vacation plans depend on where the state EMS conference is held.
* You have as many ambulances in town as you do EMTs.
* You thought your first ambulance ” run ” would be a 5K.
* You think that the ABCs stand for ” Always Being on Call. ”
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Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women...
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
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Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."
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